Carlos Xuma – Ultimate Inner Game

• Have you ever messed things up with a woman you really liked?
• Have you ever approached a woman, only to have her not respond to you at all? Did you ever feel like you were invisible to women?
• Have you ever had a girlfriend you adored, but your level of insecurity and low self-confidence seemed to doom you to the same outcome – certain breakup?
• Have you ever walked up to talk to a woman and had her start out smiling and interested, but she gradually seemed to lose interest, eventually turning back to her friends and ignoring you until you walked away?
• Have you ever lost your emotional cool around a woman, only to feel out of control around her, and then she lost interest and attraction in you because you couldn’t stay relaxed…?
• Have you ever felt like your jealousy takes control over your head and your heart, even when the woman you liked wasn’t even dating you yet?
• Have you ever been out with a group of friends, and you felt compelled to try to be the “life of the party,” because you thought the “alpha” of the group had to be the loudest, the funniest, and the one with the coolest banter?
• Have you ever felt like you were ‘possessed’ to pick up the phone, or tell a woman your feelings, or “share your emotions” with her, only to find out that you scared her away with your gesture? It was like you knew with your brain that you should stay in control, but your emotions completely took control of you…
• Have you ever been in a social situation where you felt like you couldn’t keep up with the conversation, or really “hang in there” and be very fun, mostly because you were too busy watching your own behavior – trying NOT to screw things up or say the wrong thing?

If you’ve ever had ANY of these things happen to you, you know that your level of “inner game” – or your self-confidence and “emotional intelligence” – was the one thing you wish you had more of.

If you could just control your fear and your anxieties, all those crazy emotions that make us do things that don’t even feel like us, you know that you could improve your success ratio with women. I know how shaky I used to feel with women, and knowing it was my inner confidence holding me back.

And the worst part of this for me was knowing that – not only was it ME doing this to myself – but the fact that…

Feeling Out of Control is Probably the Most Frustrating Experience for Men…

I think that every guy has had that feeling – almost like being possessed – where you just can’t seem to control your emotions, or your own behavior. You know what you SHOULD be doing, but when you try to do it, there’s this invisible force that stops you.

This was one of my biggest challenges. I had a bad temper, and I could barely control myself when I was around an attractive girl. I would start acting up – just like a little bratty kid. I could even SEE myself doing it, and KNOWING that it was killing my chances with this girl… but I just couldn’t help myself.

And then I went on this massive inner game “quest” I guess you could call it. I wanted to figure out how to get control of my confidence, my emotions, and my crazy mind.

What is Inner Game?

Well, it’s a pretty fancy term for some of our most important traits as a man.

Inner Game includes things like:

• Self-confidence – Being cool, not needy, and self-reliant…
• Controlling your fears and emotions – Not losing control and becoming a train wreck when you are put in situations that are unfamiliar or charged…
• Control of your thinking – Not getting caught in your head and stuck in your own thinking… being present-moment focused… Having inner awareness and self-control…
• Getting rid of anxiety and nervousness – Feeling relaxed and calm in any social situation… Having good social skills…
• Self-esteem – Feeling good about yourself and liking yourself… Being able to handle criticism and the negative opinions of others… Not needing their approval all the time…

Inner Game can also mean many more things to you. Here are some of the different definitions that guys have told me over the years:

• Inner Game is: Knowing that a woman has certain expectations of you that you need to live up to…
• Inner Game is: Being relaxed and natural with women, and not having to “fake it to make it” all the time…
• Inner Game is: Knowing you’ve “got the goods” when it comes to having value to give to a woman – in conversation, as well as in your lifestyle…
• Inner Game is: Not feeling awkward around women or in social situations…
• Inner Game is: Keeping conversations with women interesting and going where you want them to go – without ending up as another shoulder to cry on…
• Inner Game is: Getting past your flaws and frustrations once and for all…
• Inner Game is: Being able to take the risks you always wanted to…
• Inner Game is: Managing the peaks and valleys of your confidence level as it goes up and down…
• Inner Game is: Making things you’ve already learned about women and all the pieces fall into place quicker…
• Inner Game is: Not feeling disappointed by women and relationships from the past…
• Inner Game is: Bouncing back from failures and rejections… and not taking them personally…
• Inner Game is: Staying true to yourself and your identity – not compromising your values and morals just to get women or get ahead in life…
• Inner Game is: Overcoming your own internal conflicts…
• Inner Game is: Awareness and knowing yourself inside and out…
• Inner Game is: Having a strong grip on your own reality – and not getting caught off guard, no matter what comes your way!
• Inner Game is: Being the dominant ALPHA of the group instead of the guy who can’t get a word in edgewise in the conversation…
• Inner Game is: Stop being so attached to the outcome and just be present-moment focused, having fun and staying out of your head…
• Inner Game is: Knowing that whatever happens in life, you will prevail and come out on top!

You Can Get All The Phone Numbers And Dates You Want…

If You Don’t Have Inner Game, They Won’t Go
Beyond “Let’s Just Be Friends…”

I see a lot of guys learning the “48 Second Technique To Get A Woman’s Phone Number.” Yeah, great stuff, until you realize that this will not guarantee you:

– get her to answer the phone, or…

– get a date with her, or…

– that she’ll be attracted to you, or…

– that you will be able to escalate physically with her.

In fact, getting a phone number is only the START of the game.

If you don’t have the confidence and psychology mastered in advance, you probably won’t even get past the approach – IF you even approach her at all.

And sometimes that knowledge will be enough to give guys approach anxiety right away.

Just imagine what you could do if you knew you wouldn’t be shaken up or rattled by a beautiful woman’s attitude…

What do you need to feel in order to
get your “Inner Game” handled?

Ultimately, it really boils down to a feeling of control over your own life.

You don’t want to feel like other people control your success with women. And you sure as hell don’t want to feel like you can’t control your own success with women.

Let me ask you something…

You ever try using a line on a woman and have it fall flat – like, dead embarrassing silence flat on its face?

I have, too.

I coach and talk to guys every day that learn a lot of techniques and “lines” to use on women, but they don’t seem to work for them.

Why don’t techniques and routines work?

Usually because of the level of self-esteem and self confidence of the guy using them.

And, in reality, just by using another guy’s lines and words, you’re sending a subtle message to your self-esteem that the only thing you can do to attract women is NOT be yourself. And that doesn’t increase a guy’s inner game.

But Don’t You Need Techniques and “Outer Game” Stuff To Attract Women?

YES! You do need them.

And that’s why I teach those, too.

I know a lot of guys that would tell you that you don’t need techniques – that if you have the inner game confidence, then your outer game is automatic.

Well, that’s not always true.

I’m sure you’ve felt confidence walking up to a woman and found that your tongue was tied and your head got all foggy the second you tried to say something. And I bet it killed your confidence quick, too, didn’t it?

So, yes, you absolutely need the techniques and conversational strategies that I teach.

BUT the fact is that you simply cannot run completely on “Outer Game” scripts either – on techniques and routines – all by themselves. Otherwise you end up with game that looks like this:

This is what you don’t want…

See that small area where “inner game” and “outer game” intersect? That’s weak, wussy game that women can detect a mile away. And thanks to television shows and “pickup artist” stuff, women know all about the routines and openers you use.

That gray outer game bubble is weak and tiny because you’re forced to “fake” a lot more than you should have to. And it doesn’t take much to pop that bubble.

Now, just imagine what would happen when your Inner Game and your Outer Game are complete and congruent.

Your game would look like THIS:

Big difference, huh?

And let’s face it, no one ever explains to you how your mind works – or teaches you how to control and manage your emotions and thoughts.

I went through all 12 grades of regular school, and another 6 years of college, and I never once did a teacher tell me how to be more confident. (Especially when I was just a young boy and I needed it the most!)

NOBODY teaches us this stuff. We’re supposed to just “figure it out” all on our own.

It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack – of needles!

Let Me Tell You a Story…

I had this girlfriend. Her name was Christina, and I was really into her. She was tall, thin, red hair, and a hot body that just drove me crazy…

Well, that was the problem.

We had been dating about 3 months when I started feeling myself go down that old familiar road of “You’re Messing This Up!” You know, when you can’t believe you’re worthy of this girl, and then you start acting like you’re not worthy?

And then along comes “Mr. Self-sabotage…”

First I got drunk at her high school reunion, then I started doing those typical self-destructive things, like calling her too much, and going over to see her all the time.

The bad part was I knew I was being needy and insecure, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. It was like I had a voice in my head telling me that I was messing this up, but I couldn’t help but keep doing it!

And then I went and got jealous of how much time she was spending with her other friends. I remember calling her six times one night to tell her how I’d “figured out where I made my mistake” and I was going to change right away.

…And then she told me we needed to take a “break.”

OUCH.

In the end, I got dumped. Big time.

This one you might relate to: I was dating another girl, Shelly, for a couple months.

One night I went over to pay her a surprise visit. (Guess who got surprised?)

She wasn’t home when I got there, so I waited in the parking lot for her.

Until about 3:00 AM, when I finally realized she was staying the night somewhere else…

With someone else.

BIG ouch.

I fell into a deep depression after all this and went to go see a therapist. It was over 8 months before I got out of it completely.

Yeah, it was BAD. I feel a little sick just talking about it right now.

But There Is A Happy Ending To The Story…

During this time, I finally found the skills I needed to overcome my emotional issues.

I realized that getting my self-confidence and self-control was the key to taking care of 90% of my issues in my personal life, AND my dating life.

I figured out how I was driving away the women in my life. And I figured out how to hang out with people and just be a cool guy to be with.

It was like getting out of a walk-in freezer to go outside into bright, warm sunshine.

Even better was this sense inside that I could finally RELAX, you know? Stop making all this stuff such a priority and just be able to chill out and not be a nervous head case everywhere I went.

Women Can Read Your Inner Game Like Nobody Else Can…

Something I noticed is that women can be the most irrational creatures on the planet – and they can also read a man’s level of confidence better than anyone else.

• She knows when you’re approaching her and feeling nervous and can barely say your name…

• She knows when your self-confidence is in the crapper because of your last breakup…

• She knows when you suddenly start needing her approval because you’re feeling “shaky” in the other areas of your life…

She just knows this stuff, and as annoying as it is to have a woman that can read you, it has the ultimate effect of keeping us honest.

Have you ever heard someone tell you that women want “confident” guys?

Only about a milion times, probably.

Well, the last thing you need is to feel like your game is being destroyed by a woman that can see right through you.

What they say is true…

Fix Your Inner Game And Everything Else
Really Does Take Care of Itself

Something else I discovered as I was coaching men and teaching them some of the secrets of ultimate inner game was that when a guy would finally get focused on the right parts of his personality and his self-improvement, he got good with women.

And I mean SCARY good.

And he usually had no idea WHY this was happening, either.

He’d find that he was not only able to be more relaxed and “in the moment” with women,” but he was also able to just come up with the perfect things to say in any situation.

What was happening was that he was unlocking his own Natural Game.

What is “Natural Game”?

Well, quite simply, it’s the kind of game a guy has when he’s not trying to be someone else. He’s comfortable in his own skin, and it shows.

He’s not using pickup artist material. He’s not being sneaky or trying to hypnotize women with “trance words.”

He’s just tuned into his own natural ability. All guys have it, but our inner game doesn’t come with an instruction book, so we spend years and years trying to figure out how it’s supposed to work.

Take This Quick Inner Game Quiz:

Answer each of these questions in your head and add up all the ones you answer “YES” to…

1. Do you feel confident everywhere else, but when you’re with a woman you really want it all disappears?
2. Are you confident with certain women, but the 9s and 10s leave you speechless and nervous?
3. Are you ever intimidated by trying to date younger, more attractive women?
4. Do you have trouble handling the other more aggressive guys out there?
5. Do you feel invisible to women? Do you feel like beautiful women shake you up?
6. Do you intellectually know that sex with a woman won’t really solve all your problems, but you still feel driven to pursue it at all costs?
7. Do you ever feel “stuck” in your head? Do you feel like you think more about things than you should?
8. Do you frequently feel indecisive? Anxious? Nervous? So much that it’s holding you back from doing things other people seem to have no problem with?
9. Do you know that your knowledge and experience needs to be put to work in the real world, but you can’t seem to find those steps to “connect the dots” to get started?
10. Do you just want to feel comfortable in your own skin? And authentic to who you are?
11. Do you want to be able to express your feelings and true personality? Free from being judged by other people’s critical eye?
12. Do you want to feel like the “prize” that a woman is desperate to win?

If you answered 4 or more questions “YES” in the quiz above, you’re like 85-90% of the guys I’ve worked with – and you’re completely NORMAL.

The problem is that most other guys out there would never admit it, so you end up feeling like the weird and “insecure” one.

The secret truth that guys don’t know is that most men out there are playing the “fake it” game with their inner game and self-confidence. In fact, 80% or more of the guys that you think of as “very confident” are probably even MORE anxious in their heads than you would believe.

Most guys are “faking it” with women.

First, here’s another little secret for you:

Natural Game Is What You Have When You Finally Master Your Inner Game…

Every one of the guys that I’ve coached to get their inner game together has made the discovery that his game with women comes easily and naturally when he finds his confidence.

He also finds that:

• Conversation comes easy. There are no more uncomfortable silences…
• The sting of rejection disappears. Your identity is no longer in her hands…
• Women can no longer make you feel inadequate, or hurt your feelings…
• You still have that same sense of excitement and thrill when you see an attractive women you want to meet, but you don’t feel the invisible grip of fear stopping you from going after her…
• You no longer need any “lines” or routines with women. In fact, you start finding the perfect thing to say because you don’t have to go out with a “full head” of stuff you never use…
• Social situations become incredibly easy… you make friends wherever you go…
• You stop losing your emotional cool around women, and you stop feeling like a puppet pulled around by the strings of jealousy and fear…
• You feel comfortable and authentic when relating to people, and your anxiety and nervousness disappears…

Your Inner Game Can Mess Up Your Social Life, Too…

Have you ever been out trying to meet people and have fun, or maybe you were just hanging around your friends, and you couldn’t seem to feel like you were “IN” the conversation? They seemed to have their little “clique” with each other, but they didn’t seem to want to connect with you, no matter how hard you tried.

The fact is that your level of inner confidence also affects how successful you are with your social life and social network, too.

But, the same as dating, your “natural social game” comes automatically when your inner game is feeling solid and stable.

So what are the most important parts of your inner game to work on?

Here Are The 6 Key Areas Of
A Man’s Core Inner Game

Now I’m going to share with you the 6 key areas of inner game that a man must understand and master. When you have these taken care of, you’ll find that the others just take care of themselves…

 

1. SELF-CONFIDENCE & SELF-ESTEEM

This is one that is probably tops on every guy’s list of things he wants to improve.

We want to be confident and secure, and we want to really like who we are as a person. There’s really no greater thing to aspire to in our lives.

But HOW do you improve it? It’s not one of those things that anyone ever teaches you in school. Heck, even my own dad didn’t teach me this when I was growing up and getting picked on by other kids. My parents would tell me to just “not let it bother me.” What good is that?

Well, while I was doing some research for this article I found a bunch of news reports about how your self-esteem is pretty much connected to everything in your life – like:

• Your level of income…
• The amount of satisfaction you get from your frienships…
• Your health – including how often you get sick – and how long you will live…
• Your job security…
• Your happiness…
• The relationship you have with your family…

Isn’t it amazing how one psychological factor – your self-confidence – can account for such a HUGE part of a man’s life?

 

2. SELF-DISCIPLINE & EMOTIONAL CONTROL

This is what I wished I’d had when I found myself calling my ex in the middle of the night, or waiting out in that girl’s parking lot for 6 hours for her to come home from her other boyfriend.

Self-discipline is that ability to say what you should when you know you should, and – more importantly – keeping your mouth shut when you ought to just be quiet.

Emotional control is one of those things every guy wants when he has a woman that likes to “push his buttons.”

And it’s something we ABSOLUTELY need when a woman starts testing us. You ever feel your panic start to rise when a woman asks you a test question like, “Do you have a girlfriend?”

A woman’s ultimate decision about how she feels about you always comes down to how you control your emotions at a few key and critical moments.

Will you know what to do when the time comes?

The next area of inner game that you have to know is…

 

3. HOW TO GET RID OF OLD, SELF-DEFEATING BEHAVIORS

You might also call this “How to Change Yourself” – without the burnout and frustration.

This is another skill that no one ever taught us: How to change.

I was brought up in a family that didn’t ever seem to change. My dad smoked like a chimney, and he tried EVERYTHING you can imagine t

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